Last night I had a dream of horrendous
power and it has moved me to great agony and despair all day;
even after sleeping briefly once again the idea of it still burns
inside of me. I dreamed that I went away on a vacation with
the dancer Anona. I am unsure where we went exactly, for
such is the nature of trying to piece together the cobwebs of
a dream that still fill your mind when you finally awake, but
it seems that we went somewhere to a cottage near the beach.
Even though there was never any sex that
I recall in the dream, it still had a very sexual quality. I would take
her to dinner, walk along the beach, awaken in the morning to her wearing
silky bedroom clothing and clinging together. She would laugh, smile and
talk to me with that glitter that seems to come from someone when you feel
the mutual flames of love shining out like a noonday sun.
This alone would have plagued my thoughts
possibly, for I am pained that in the real world she has never given me
this level of joy since the long ago day when she was too young for me
and I obeyed my morals and fear and pursued her no further than the single
passionate kiss that I could not resist. But in the realms of fantasy
there can also be the lurking nightmares that forge themselves of just
the sort of fears and righteousness that kept me from her arms in the first
place.
Somehow, in the dream, I became aware that
she was leaving me for a time here and there. I never caught her
at anything, but I became suspicious and a certainty crept over me that
she was leaving me to be with others. Of course I knew she was a
dancer, and I had come to deal with that in the dream, but somehow I knew
that it was more than that. I asked her why she sold herself to the
others, why she wouldn't stay with me and let me care for her when she
knew that I could.
She looked at me with a smile that melted
me inside and made me for a moment doubt the sins of which I accused her.
She could have lied to me at that moment and I would have believed anything
she had said. But she didn't. She told me that she could never give up
that way. That she wanted to dance, and that the dancing was never
enough for them. In the dream she promised me that I could have as
much of her as I could take, but that I would never be able to take all
of her.
I awoke dreaming that I was crying in her
arms. No tears actually stood upon my cheeks when I realized that
I lay in my bed and that it had all been a dream, but those tears still
gently run down the cheeks of my soul. And in my heart, I am still
in the arms of a fantasy girl who will never be mine because I did the
right thing.
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