Company and Roses January 15, 2008
Posted by Conrad Hubbard in : The Chip , trackbackTonight contained another painful reminder that my estranged wife Rachel left last June because of us fighting about her interactions with other men.
Okay, first a little context. My estranged wife keeps asking that I maintain contact with her youngest daughter, Deva. Deva is not my child, but she thinks she is. Someday, surely, she will be told this, and hopefully it will not adversely affect her. I still have love for her mother – my estranged wife – and the little one. But trying to make the little one happy has been very difficult for me.
I talked to Deva again tonight, and again she inadvertently broke my heart. She sounded really excited that I called her, but she immediately wanted to follow up on our most recent discussion.
Half a week ago, she said to me something like, “I want you to talk to mommy, and make her happy, so we will come home.” Then, during that previous conversation, she literally put me on the phone with her mom and demanded that we talk. I explained the situation to Rachel, with an unfortunately predictable lack of results. When I asked about the current status of things, Rachel said she had been busy and had recently had company. She left it all vague and ugly like that.
Deva desperately wants us to be a family again, but Rachel seemingly has no desire to settle things in any positive manner. Rachel continues to assert something along the lines that she is “more concerned about Deva being happy than she is about being happy herself.” Given that Deva wants us to be a family, and Rachel apparently wants something else, I don’t see that as anything but self-serving nonsense.
Tonight, when I called to speak to the little one (she is 5 years old, 6 years old in April), her first question to me was “What did mom say when you talked to her?” I had to tell her that her mother did not want to talk about coming home. Then she went on to tell me that “Dan” had been visiting her mom for 6 days and 3 weeks (obviously she is confused), and that her mom had just taken him to the airport to go to “Canada” so she couldn’t ask her mom about coming home. (See, Dan lives in California, and Shaun lives in Canada, and my estranged wife was having inappropriate interactions of some sort – whether by internet, by phone or in person – with both of them even before she left. Deva is as bewildered as I am.) She also said that “Dan” had given her mom a rose, and had stayed with them, and that he had given her some bubble bath.
I am unsure what the reality of the situation is, but that has been happening to me for some time now. I feel really bad for Deva, as she is stuck in a position where she loves a “father” that is not really her father, and lives with a mother that is more concerned about maintaining secret relationships of some kind or other with multiple men than she is with maintaining some sort of stable family unit for her daughters (Kira and Deva).
I will probably rewrite this, or delete it, as I am confused and really upset by the situation. My estranged wife said she wanted a divorce, so I filed for one in November, but she has sat on the papers for a long time without returning them. Yet, it seems like the only thing she wants from me is for me to pretend to be Deva’s dad, while she continues her other activities. Every time I try to keep contact with the little one, who is absolutely delighted when I call on the phone, I get these painful jabs in return.
I have a recent poem about the situation in my Pathos category of my blog.
Comments»
It sounds rough…ok, OBVIOUSLY it’s rough. Without being far more knowledgeable about everything (ie. as knowledgeable as you are), there is little good advice I can give. And then I would be in the same boat as you. What advice I can give you, though, is that sooner or later things will improve for you if you let them. The problem is, it’s just not a quick thing, and there are way too many things in the meantime that sting like heck. From what I can tell, you sound like you’d be a great father if the situation allowed it.
From what you said, Rachel seems like a woman who is just simply not ready for any sort of serious responsibilities. Unfortunately, she has some already. Deva seems like a sweet girl. And you seem like you’re trying your best to be a good guy despite an unreasonable situation.
Now the reality of the situation is just that Rachel isn’t facing the world in the way she should. Why? Well, I’ve never met her, and so I can’t say. Maybe she’s just still too immature to handle adult life. Maybe she’s flailing around trying to find a way to fill a perceived hole in her life (one unlikely to be filled by her actions). Maybe she’s just a far less caring person than she appeared to be. Maybe a bit of all of that. Maybe something entirely different. Unfortunately, you probably can’t do anything more than I can to change that.
So, what can you do? Well, I wish I had an answer. Heck, I wish I could tell you that you already know the answer, or something else all wise like that. The truth is, though, that there probably isn’t an easy answer. I suppose my best advice is twofold. Firstly, just hang in there; in time the bad will be but an old memory. Secondly, and this may sound corny, but just be the best person you can be. That is, think of how the person you’d admire most would act, and do the same. That is, assuming you admire noble knights and that sort of thing rather than Charles Manson. If Manson is your idol, do the opposite.
I know it sounds trite, but it really does help. If you do what you feel is right, then you will never feel the need to blame yourself.
But from what I’ve read, there’s never been a need to blame yourself anyway.
What’s my point? No point. Just telling you to hang in there. You’ve been stuck in an unfair situation, and that just sticks in my craw.
Good luck with things.
Hmm I can’t really say that anything that the other poster said except that at least you have the knowledge that your doing the best you can. Upon rereading this I realize that it sounds trite & your soul has possibly been torn in two over this. It sounds like your taking as much responsiblity as you humanly can with this situation. For many years I enjoyed your professional creations in both role playing & poetry but theres little that can be said to make you feel any better. However take some consolidation from the fact that others are listening. When the time is right things might work out. All my best, Eric
Conrad…
I am probably one of the last people you want to hear from. I can only imagine the things you have been told about me, and I am sure that you have your own opinions based off everything from your own perspectives. What I can say is this… I wish to hell you weren’t going through this. It is all to familiar to me, and Rachel’s husband before our relationship told me the same thing that happened to me, and looks to be happening to you. I wonder if Kira’s father (Johnathan? I don’t remember anymore) had the same thing happen and if the things Rachel told me were more than a bit spotty.
No matter what has happened through the years, I have always known you were a good man. I sincerly hope you pull through this, and that your future is not as bleak as the past events of 2007. Good luck man, and best wishes. If you want to contact me, hit the email.